5 Ways To Put Your Useless PS3 To Work

Recently, as you probably already know, the Internet has been set on fire with rumors, speculation, and fanboy hate regarding the PSN breach. Lawsuits have been filed, harsh words have been spoken, and handfuls of websites have regurgitated dizzying amounts of  information; however, no real answers have been given. What are victims supposed to do about all this nonsensical Playstation behavior?

The only thing you could do was wait. Wait to see if your identity had been stolen, wait to see if your credit card was being used, and wait to see if the PSN ever came back online. It was maddening.

But now, you no longer have to be left in the dark. I, Nathan Standridge, have created a genius solution (or solutions) to everyone’s problem. Everyone, that is, who own a PS3.

I know what your thinking: “How will I ever repay you, Nathan!” Well, don’t worry about me. There’s no need to thank and/or repay me. The only payment a true hero ever needs is the knowledge that he’s helped people. (Also, I do sometimes accept Office Max gift cards…)

So without further ado, I give you 5 WAys To Put Your Useless PS3 To Work:

1. Use it as a pillow proper.

Do you read? Do you have a bed? Do you sometimes combine the two early in the morning and late at night? Great! Then you’re already half way there.

Using a pillow to prop your back up can be a real chore. Before your PS3 became useless, pillows were cumbersome and refused to listen to simple commands like: sit, stay, and be soft…no be firm! Thankfully though, you now have a solid object to place under your pillow–one that’s rounded top fits perfectly in the small of your back.

Reading in bed can be a snap again, thanks to your useless PS3!

2. Use it as an extra seat in your living room.

Do you have friends? Do you have a living room? Do you sometimes invite more friends into your living room than you have seats to sit? Great! Now you have a solution.

Before your PS3 became useless, guests were often left standing, wondering why they even like you. After all, what type of person invites friends to his or her house without the proper amount of seating?

Due to it’s well-built, $600 body, the PS3 makes the perfect sitting device. Don’t believe me? Try it out now; you won’t regret it. You’ll have more friends than ever, thanks to your useless PS3.

(Disclaimer: Step number two was written with an original PS3 in mind. Use your PS3 Slim at your own risk)

3. Use it as a industrial- sized paper weight.

Is your desk out of control. Do regular paper weights constantly leave you teary-eyed and disappointed? Then you’re in luck; the PS3 is as heavy as a cinder block. It’s even heavy enough to hold down paper!

If your like me and your desk is riddled with macaroni necklaces, old pizza boxes, and collectible beer cans, your now useless PS3 can hold it all down without breaking a sweat.

4. Use it to drive your car into a lake.

Insurance got you down? Your car a piece of junk? Thinking about upgrading?

Well, now that you have a useless PS3 that’s showing no signs of life, go ahead and use it for something that can potentially benefit you. Sure you could use a rock to hold down your gas petal as your car careens off a cliff and into a lake, but think of all the uses a good rock can have.

What if you broke the rock open and it turned out to be a beautiful geode? What if you needed to send a message to your very best girl and the only way you could do this was to throw a rock through her window with blue stationary attached to it? What if you wanted to start a chess collection chiseled completely out of rock? Can you chisel a chess collection out of a PS3? I don’t think so! A good rock’s possibilities are endless. Granted, now that your PS3 is also useless, its possibilities are endless too. They’re just harder to think of than a rock’s.

(Disclaimer: Gamertag Radio does not promote insurance fraud. The views expressed in this post are merely those of the author.)

5. Use it to watch NetFlix.

Don’t have an Xbox 360, Wii, Apple TV, NetFlix-enabled HDTV, Blu-ray player, or another NetFlix ready device? Than your in luck. Your PS3 will still allow you to watch NetFlix. Sure you’ll have to log into the PSN three or four times without success before it will let you enjoy the glory of NetFlix, but it could be worse, right? You could have to watch NetFlix on your 27-inch iMac in the comfort of a heavenly office chair. You could have to watch all your favorite TV shows and movies either on TV or via DVD. Or you could have to buy a DVR to record your favorite shows and movies. But why do that when you have a useless PS3?

Closing Time:

Although Sony has finally announced that PSN will be coming back online “soon,” I’m appalled by their actions as a company. Now don’t get me wrong, I’ve been on Sony’s side throughout all of this turmoil. But since they don’t regard me as a loyal customer–a customer who deserves to know when his personal information may have been compromised–I won’t regard them as a company that deserves my respect or support. It’s true that this could have happened to any number of companies. The difference is the way others would have dealt with the problem.

Sony chose to alienate their customers, and that is never the right thing to do.

Now, before you start calling me a hater or a Microsoft fanboy, you should know a few things about me:

• I traded in my Xbox 360 to be able to afford an original PS3.
• There was a time in my life when I only played Sony Entertainment IPs (call it anal retentiveness, if you like).
• I’ve convinced several friends to “upgrade” from an Xbox 360 to the PS3.

You see? I’m not just a hater spewing my filth on the internet. I’m a victim. Just like all of Sony’s loyal fans. All five of them.

As it stands now, your choices are these: You could wait for the PSN to come back online, change your password, and be distracted into servile loyalty by Sony’s flood of free shit; or you could put your useless PS3 to work in one of the many ways I’ve described above. The choice is yours.

(Also, you could choose to play single player games. But who wants to do that? No one will ever see your trophies.)

To send me an Office Max gift card, or to list more interesting ways to use a PS3, comment below.

Also, thank you Tommy Specker, Jake Huddleston, and Luke Miller for posing and taking pictures. There were more, I just didn’t use them.